I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now, and things are going well. We have fun together, we communicate well, and I feel like we’re really compatible in so many ways. But there’s something I can’t stop thinking about. So far, he hasn’t had an orgasm during sex with me. He says it has nothing to do with me, but I can’t help feeling like maybe I’m not attractive enough, or that I’m doing something wrong? I’m not super confident around sex and this is making things worse. It’s been hard to talk about and I don’t want to make things worse by pushing him to talk about it more. But I don’t understand what’s going on. What should I be doing??
Yours, Frustrated And Confused
Hi Frustrated and Confused,
First of all, I want you to know that what you’re feeling is completely valid. It’s normal to feel insecure or unsure when something isn’t going the way you expect in your sexual relationship, especially if you’re not entirely confident in that area to begin with. But this situation is far more common than most people realise, and it’s rarely a reflection of how attractive or desirable you are.
When a man isn’t able to orgasm during sex, it can be due to a number of factors — none of which are about your attractiveness or what you’re doing “wrong.”
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In sexology, we actually have a name for men not being able to reach orgasm when they want to, it’s called Delayed Ejaculation.
Here’s what can cause Delayed Ejaculation or an inability to ejaculate
- Psychological factors: Stress, anxiety, depression or performance concerns.
- Medications: Medications, especially antidepressants (SSRIs), antipsychotics, and some blood pressure medications, can delay ejaculation as a side effect.
- Substance use: Alcohol, recreational drugs, or even excessive caffeine can interfere with the body’s ability to reach climax during sex.
- Relationship issues: Unresolved conflicts, communication problems, or a lack of trust can create emotional barriers that affect sexual performance.
- Physical health Conditions: Conditions such as diabetes, neurological disorders, or prostate issues.
- Trauma or negative sexual experiences: Past trauma, guilt, or negative experiences related to sex or relationships can create unconscious barriers to orgasm.
- Overstimulation from other activities: Regular habits like habitual masturbation or frequent pornography use may desensitise sexual response during partnered sex.
- Fear of pregnancy or STIs: Fear around unintended pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted infection can lead to anxiety that interferes with ejaculation.
Based on what you’re sharing and what I commonly see in younger men, I suspect it’s psychological factors or overstimulation from other activities. But without talking to your boyfriend and doing a more thorough assessment I can’t be 100% sure.
Talking about sexual issues can be uncomfortable
Talking about sex is hard. Most of us weren’t taught how to do it well. Particularly when things aren’t going well, we can feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.
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So, I’m not surprised that you and your new partner are finding this difficult.
I imagine that your partner feels guilty and embarrassed about what’s going on. And, based on what he’s saying, he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. He’s likely avoiding the topic and hoping that he can fix it himself.
How to talk about Delayed Ejaculation with a partner
Raising issues or challenges around sex can feel incredibly comfortable at first, but can help you build understanding and work together in the long run. Here are the steps I suggest for bringing up this challenging topic.
Share your intention
Start the conversation by sharing a positive intention. Let your partner know that you’re not trying to criticise or make him feel bad, but that you care about the relationship.
For example: I’m really enjoying how our relationship going and I’m hopeful that it continues. There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about with you and I’m hoping that it will actually bring us closer.
Focus on how you feel
Instead of pointing out what’s “wrong,” share your own experience and how it’s affecting you.
For example: I’ve noticed that you haven’t been able to finish during sex, and while I know it’s not something you’re doing on purpose, it’s left me feeling a bit confused and unsure.
Share your needs
Expressing your needs in a positive way helps your partner know what steps they can take to improve things. Sharing your needs in a non-blaming way helps him understand where you’re coming from, without making him feel pressured or defensive.
For example: I’d really love for us to talk about it so we can better understand each other and work together for an intimate life that feels really good for both of us.
Reassure him
He may feel embarrassed or worry that this will affect how you see him, so be sure to offer reassurance. Remind him that this doesn’t change how you feel about him and that you’re approaching this as something you can work through together.
For example: I love being with you, and this doesn’t change that. I just want us both to feel as close as possible.
Ask for his perspective
It’s also useful to ask how he feels about this and what steps he’d like to take. This shows that you’re also interested in what he wants, rather than just dumping your perspective on him.
For example: Would you be open to us talking about this together?
If he seems open to talking, you can begin exploring potential solutions or next steps.
Practical steps you can take to overcome Delayed Ejaculation
Overcoming delayed ejaculation is possible. And it doesn’t have to stop you both enjoying intimacy together. Here are some steps you can take:
- Reduce performance pressure: Shift the focus away from orgasm and enjoy the experience of being intimate together. Taking the pressure off can help reduce anxiety and make it easier for him to climax.
- Explore other forms of intimacy: Try connecting in ways that don’t centre around penetrative sex. Focusing on pleasure and closeness can help him relax and reduce any stress tied to performance.
- Limit overstimulation: If excessive pornography use or masturbation may be desensitising his sexual response, encourage reducing those activities to reset his sensitivity.
- Consider professional help: If the issue persists, it might be helpful to speak with a sex therapist or sexologist to identify and address underlying causes.
Isiah McKimmie is one of the most qualified relationship and intimacy experts in Australia. She’s passionate about supporting people to have happy relationships and playful sex lives. Isiah offers relationship counselling and sexologytoindividuals and couples and offers effectiveonline programsfor those who just need some extraguidance.
